fulllifeconsequences

You're not listening to me.

[Now they do sound angry, earnestly so.]

You think you're to blame for every bad thing that happens. It's easier, right? Easier to blame yourself for it, because I guess you really did want an angel after all.

[Was that, all of it, nothing more than a lie? Those words about not needing to perfect, not needing to be okay all the time - what was that, then? Pretty words to assuage Frisk's guilt, as always? Insincere and devoid of actual meaning?]

But no. It had to be you that ruined me. Your influence. Not Wonderland. Not the extractor. It had to be you, because you're - you're obsessed with punishing yourself for everything.

Follow the leaves back to the stem, and follow that back to the root. Who left a green shirt for you to take? Who was there for Wonderland to summon within you? Who made it so you needed the Extractor?

You didn't become something dangerous because you were Frisk. You became LV 19 because you were Chara.

[Wouldn't have become a threat if they'd worn one of those big blue hoodies instead. Wouldn't have tried to fight Shepard, or... whoever else that Chara was there to prove Chara really doesn't care. Wouldn't have been marked for life by it.]

You can't say I never gave this a chance. You had almost a year's worth of a chance. But... the outcome is the same it's always been. This all just proved I'm still the threat. Why can't you accept that it's not worth perpetuating the cycle over and over? I don't want to keep doing this.

Who decided I was better off with LOVE? You weren't talking to me anymore. You know it wasn't you. Who gave you the Libra Orb in the first place? Who's the one that would've killed you if Sans hadn't showed up? Twice?

[Their hands have balled up into tiny fists. They were trying so, so hard to just - not lose their composure. To not let it slip away. But it's like an ache in their chest, and their bed is still there in Room 12, still empty, and the card still lying forlornly atop it, taped clumsily together, abandoned.]

When are you going to realize that it's when you leave that things get at their worst?

[Do they really need to yank up the sleeves of their shirt again and show them just how many pairs of scissors they've hidden away? Do they really need to tip over the wastebasket in their room and let the serrated edges of a soda can speak for themselves?]

Sans won't really talk to me anymore. Alphys hasn't talked to me in a month. And it's because they both decided the same thing you did.

They left me alone.

Everyone left me alone, Chara.

[What did they think would happen? That Frisk's many legions of friends would come to SAVE them? Mettaton wants nothing to do with them. The Pineses tried their best, but they had no idea where to start with a child that lacked determination but still had their memories intact.

But go ahead. Tell them they're safer and better off alone.

Tell them something they haven't already told themself a dozen times over.]

[They remember the last time Frisk died. Remember feeling like they had to try and be something they were never capable of being - because they could, they HAD to. Because nobody else would. But didn't they... didn't things get set up the way they were supposed to be? Alphys got to actually be the hero of the story, the person whose skills were the key to saving the day. They spoke to Mettaton, asked him to give Frisk a chance, to not shut them out utterly. They rode Sans' ass relentlessly about considering what makes a child climb a mountain like that, about him being someone who knows better than everyone what it's like for an adult to just leave you alone when something goes wrong.

Why wasn't it enough?

Monsters are supposed to be better than humans. Made out of love and compassion. And everyone loves Frisk, right? Frisk solved their problems, Frisk forgave them, so now they cared enough about Frisk for it to sway Asriel to break the barrier. Everyone loves Frisk now.

So why?

They swallow down the righteous anger, the welling sense of injustice. They're good at shutting out all emotion completely. They've held themself together just fine for a whole month. They've stayed functional. Frisk's not going to coax them out of that composed, palatable functionality. They shouldn't have to settle for Chara. Settling for Chara instead of the friend he really wanted was what ruined Asriel. It'll ruin Frisk too. If they think Chara is as good as they can hope for, then they'll never get the sort of friend they actually deserve.]

It can't be me, Frisk. Shepard. The various Pines. Souji.

[Humans. Ha ha.]

Asgore.

One of them can care about you. Can wean you away from this. But it can't be me.

That's the funny thing. Everyone seems to think that I'm better off without them.

[They smile, but it's mirthless, a pained twist of one side of their mouth.]

I'm going to be ruined either way, Chara. If you think this is any worse than what I've lived with before, then I guess all that talk about not needing someone perfect was just that.

Talk.

[Because the moment Frisk gets ruined, as it were, everyone leaves. The moment Frisk stops being something familiar and immediate, no one has any clue what to do with them. They're cast off. Left to the wayside. Abandoned.]

For the first time, I'm - I'm trying to do something about it instead of letting it all happen because it's what I -

[It's what we deserve.

We all get what we deserve in the end.]

[They hate this. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There's no way to keep Frisk from being hurt. Only the choice of hurting them through action or inaction. No possible way to win the game. Once again, they're just going to make it worse no matter what they decide.

Story of their life, huh.]

Whatever excuses you make, I gave you a chance to tell me if you didn't like this plan. I did. I can't read your mind or, as you so helpfully point out, instinctively sense what you want. But you agreed. I refuse to be told that "yes means no" or "no means yes." I refuse to be told that everyone but me gets the right to pretend they aren't responsible for their decisions if they don't like the outcome.

[They don't stop being a person just because part is missing, do they? "You're still human," they insist, even though the whisper in their head was borrowing its soul, its determination, rather than supplying their own. Even though this independent shell houses nothing more than a few incomplete, trembling shards of what should have been a heart. You can still do the right thing, even if you're built a little differently than the people around you, can't you? Or is that all just hollow lip service? Empty platitudes meant to soothe a human surrounded by beings made of compassion, meant to placate a rusted little tenth of a SOUL surrounded by whole, complete people?]

I am holding you to your word at all times, not just when you're at your best. You do not get to tell me that I was not the only one at fault, then insist that I not think of that as really being you. You made your choice.

[Their hand tenses around the door. For just a moment, they're seized by the sudden thought of - of something wild and drastic, of just kicking Frisk out of the way and slamming it so hard it breaks. So hard it snaps in half cartoonishly, impossibly, as if they had that kind of ridiculous superhuman strength. Instead, with a slow, reluctant exhalation, they open just a little wider. Offer a single arm.

They hate hugs. But.]

One. You may have one, then no more. Then, you leave.

You think I'm happy with anything I did when I was like that? The way I acted - the way I almost killed you?

[Their tone gets shrill for an awful moment, climbing in pitch and volume, and they - they're being too loud. Too loud, and too terrible. Stop it, Frisk. Shut up, Frisk. Stop taking more than you can give. Stop taking at all. You don't deserve a single moment of anyone's time or patience or sympathy, clearly, because all you've ever done is take advantage of it.

This is what you were waiting for. For people to turn around and see you, and look at what you've done, and decide they're better off alone for it. You tried so hard to push everyone away and now look. You got exactly what you wanted!

So why aren't you happy?]

I hate this, Chara. I hate this. And I'm tired.

[Their voice cracks, unbearably, embarrassingly.]

Everyone. Everyone I love has started to leave, and they're all doing it for my own good and I don't know what to do. Mettaton hates me, and you hate me, and Leonard won't talk to me, and Papyrus is gone, and River's gone, and I guess this - this must be what I wanted all along!

[They're...they're laughing, aren't they? Ha ha, it's hilarious! Free hand tangling up in their hair, yanking at the hanks of it, as if that'll be enough to tear it up from the roots. Chara's offer may as well have been made to an empty, faceless specter.]

M-maybe if I was better, if I was - was less afraid, or less stupid, or if I didn't act the way I did, people wouldn't be leaving.

I didn't - I couldn't say no. I didn't...I was just trying to do what everyone asked. And that's not enough, and n-no one's happy anyway!

[Another ragged burst of laughter. Get it together, Frisk. Act more like Frisk, Frisk. You'll freak them out, scare them away. Well, good. Let them slam the door on your fingers! Let them break them all again! Can't go to Leonard this time, can you? Nope! You ruined that too!]

Ha! Ha ha!

[More excuses. More I don't like this plan anymore when they've already put the plan into action. More don't think of that as really me, more when I say yes I mean no, more you should have been able to tell what I meant, not what I said. Nobody ever means what they say.

Oh, but now is different, this time they mean it, Chara, honest! Just like when your dear, beloved parents would come to you with dewy eyes, tell you they were miserable, tell you they're so stupid, so weak, tell you that you don't love them. Apologize with all their heart and soul, swear it'll never happen again, swear this time they love you for real. They didn't really mean it back then. They're so sorry, but it wasn't them, of course, but they're sorry you felt it was. So sorry. They were just trying to raise you right. They just had to because you drove them to it.

They know how those sincere pleas for a second, third, fourth, fifth chance end.]

You cannot Reset me, Frisk. You cannot force things to immediately be how they were before. I'm - maybe I was hurt too! Did you consider that? Maybe I can't just neatly stitch it up and have it vanish because you're ready for it to be out of the way.

[They lower their outstretched arm. If they don't want to take the offer, that's fine too.]

Remove your hand. I'm closing the door. If you don't, I will be forced to start screaming. I have a right to be safe in the privacy of my room, I would like to hope.

I don't want to RESET you! But I'm starting to think you want to RESET me.

[Wouldn't it be better, Chara, if you could get rid of all the unpleasant parts of Frisk that yelled at you, that made you feel upset and uncomfortable, that reminded you of yourself? Wouldn't it be easier to love them if you could make them legitimately lovable?

A breath, high and tight, and they shake their head. Slam the door on them, Chara. Just go ahead and do it.]

Maybe you just hate me because I'm too much like you now.

Or maybe you finally figured out that I was always more like you than you thought I was.

[No, they don't want to Reset, they just want Chara to go back to how they were before this made them scared, made them hurt, made them angry, made them unpalatable.

Well. Whatever. Frisk can think whatever they please. It's easier if they're blaming this on Chara. Easier to assume Chara hates them, because hate's all that's ever motivated Chara.]

I'm serious, Frisk. I know what it means to be faced with a person who thinks you do not deserve boundaries. A person who does not think you are allowed to tell them "no." I am willing to do what I must to be sure that I am permitted the safety of my room.

Do you understand me?

You have made yourself perfectly clear.

[Frisk stares at them, flattens their features out into the empty expression Chara must be expecting. The one they must really be looking for. Always knew they had it in them, didn't they?]

I guess I really am no better than the people who hurt you.

I, you humble servant, will follow you to the utmost.

[Aren't we cute. Playing our games with the parts of the script that exist outside the script. Well then, Chara answers with a smile.]

"Following me" is exactly the opposite of what I'm asking you to do, silly goose. Now kindly release the door, and unfollow me right down that hallway.

Guess I'm not used to not having a partner. Stupid of me.

[They open their fingers and release their grip on the door. But as long as we're quoting you here, Chara, they're not quite done.]

Another one of your kindnesses, then.

But try as you might, you won't tell me what I can or cannot do forever.

This is a round of Determination vs. Determination that I am not going to lose.

[The only response they dignify that with is a big, bright, sunny grin.

That, and the door slamming in Frisk's face.]

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