fulllifeconsequences

[They laugh, and it's watery and hiccupy and altogether not very elegant-sounding, but it's real. His hands are so gentle and patient, and their heart aches so acutely that they don't even know how to let this painful flood rush out of them. They don't understand themselves at all, feel like they're utterly out of their own control, like they can't stop this wretched crumbling no matter how much they try to reign it in, make it quiet, keep it out of sight.

Monsters are... monsters are so good. Too good for humans like them. Too good for whatever-you-ares like them.]

...I did something bad. I'm not the one who got hurt. What gives me the right to - I'm not the one who's got any reason to cry. I made this happen. And I can't... I can't make it okay again. I can't make up for it.

Not even with haikus.

[Still joking, still joking, still clinging gratefully to the cushion of thin, watery humour. The half-degree of indirectness and distance, the thin veneer of not really being affected by anything. They doubt it's fooling anyone, but they can't... they can't just... they can't be like this!]

[A laugh! A sad laugh, but a laugh all the same and Mettaton laughs a little himself. They are holding hands and it's doing him more good than he thought it would. He cares about this human so much and it feels sudden, but he's not holding himself back for once, for one glorious moment in time, he's letting himself show the affection he wants to show.

There's no one else but him and Chara and the curtain is drawn. The audience has gone home and all there is left to do is to clean up the stage.]

Sometimes, when bad things happen between two people who just want the best for each other, both sides get hurt. Sometimes you may think you have no right to be injured, but that's not how it works. You're hurt because you care, because you never wanted the bad thing to happen. No one is perfect. No matter how much you may want to be.

[Is he speaking to himself or Chara? Does it matter? A ghost, left alone to tend to a farm of snails, devoid of family. A robot, taking a new life, alone with his guilt. A scratching, gnawing feeling of something missing, of something wrong, losing your, haha, "other half".

A dark forest, moonlight creeping through the branches and leaves. Scratches on the chassis, on his legs, paint job in order. The dim shimmery luminescence of a ghost, floating towards the edge of the tree line to the abyss, tears falling

falling

falling]

So long as you are alive, Chara, you can make up for your mistakes. So long as you have the ability to reach out to others with any intent to repair, you can fix things.

[They had both been quiet during that slow walk back to the mansion.]

Luckily for you, poetry is one of the best ways to express yourself for apologies. Maybe you could write an entire book of haikus and use that.

[The joke is wearing thin, but he keeps it up, because he knows. He knows it helps.

He hopes he is helping.]

[They had never imagined being like this around an adult. Can't remember the last time they fell apart in front of anyone except Frisk. It feels like they'd be swept away completely by the force of this torrential outpouring if not for the hands anchoring them here.

But they can't believe in any of that, can they? They never made up for any of their mistakes. Just stood back and watched as better, less wrong people came along and fixed the mess they left. They're not really alive. Their time stopped! Their story is over! What right do they have to let themselves forget they've been gone for a long time?]

That's going to be a pretty long book.

[Just keep laughing. Keep those syrupy, wet sob-chuckles going, because they're not at all gross-sounding, ha ha. What a shame they can't be a robot too, just find some switch deep inside them that shuts their ability to cry down forever.]

How many times do you say "sorry" for it to actually make anything better? It's just... it's just a word. A stupid, empty word that won't undo any of Frisk's suffering. I've made a mistake so awful, they'll never be the same. So awful, they wanted to die.

Just saying "sorry" doesn't make anything better, it just - it just forces them to forgive me, because it's their job to forgive everybody! I can't even apologize without putting more weight on their shoulders! How do they know I mean it... and how do I know they really feel better if they just tell everyone "I forgive you" because they have to?

[His laughter this time is bigger, more heartfelt. Oh Chara, he understands. He may not completely know the extent of everything they have done but having enough to write pages and pages of a book to apologize for, the pages overflowing and bleeding ink, is something he knows.]

You know, I've wondered that myself plenty of times; If apologizing is really "enough". It really does feel useless at times. But just short of doing the impossible and fixing every problem in the world, it's most of what we've got.

[How can justice truly be dealt if nothing completely solves the problem? Is it really healing if the wound doesn't close? Forgiveness and acceptance is a rocky road filled with pitfalls and setbacks and it's hard to know the best way forward.]

Unfortunately, when it comes to things like that, that's not something you can truly stop. That's on Frisk to change about themselves. When you apologize to someone who feels they have to forgive everyone and everything, it always comes with that risk of making them feel obligated. But it's better than saying nothing. You're acknowledging that you hurt them and that they deserve the apology.

[He smiles a bit sadly. He doesn't even have to pretend why he understands this here. They know. Chara knows how Napstablook is. How Alphys is. But it can change for the better. He knows this. He only got a small taste of it on the surface (three months was not enough) but he knows.]

You can help them along with that, at least. You can help them understand what you mean and help them learn to only accept apologies when they actually want to, rather than all the time. It's hard work. But it is doable. I was making some headway with Alphys on that front back home before coming here.

[He gives their hands another comforting squeeze and a soft splaying of fingers to gently stroke their skin.]

And with time, you can eventually come to forgive yourself too. Because that is another important part of the process.

[He hasn't gotten there yet. He doesn't think he has a right to be there yet, not when he spent so long convinced that he did nothing wrong. But maybe one day.]

[It just feels so... huge, doesn't it? A cliff far too steep to scale. Chara had already given up utterly on "sorry," had already grown to resent the word for its woeful, hopeless inadequacy. They can't even begin to consider forgiving themself being part of it, being in any way necessary. Can't even wrap their head around the thought that they should forgive themself, that they should be doing anything other than making sure their sins always weigh on their neck. All this time, and they still know so little about forgiveness. They've still only just begun to experience it, still only just started to learn how to practice it.

Never saw it when they were on the surface.

Never expected it when they made a pie and Asgore got sick.

Never felt an ounce of it toward the humans who wronged them, who wronged monsterkind.

Never heard "I forgive you" in any of the timelines they built, no matter how good they tried to be. Still not the greatest person. Still the last threat to everyone's happiness. This timeline in particular, the one they're living now... this one's the fluke, the freak accident, the glitch. They shouldn't even be thinking about forgiveness at all, should they?]

I hardly know where to start. Life was much easier when I didn't pretend I was anything but a huge jerk.

[It's a little easier to laugh, now that the worst of the sobs have already spilled out of them. Now that patient fingers gently play over their scarred hands, loose and careful enough that they could pluck their hands back the moment the sensation stops being soothing.

It's a little easier, now.]

[How is it that they are so alike? The words they say sound almost exactly like something he has said to himself so many times in the past few months. Facing the setbacks in all of his relationships, with Alphys, with Napstablook, with Frisk and Bucky and Sans and so many more...

Everything was so much easier when he was a shallow, vapid asshole.]

Life always seems easier when you act like nothing phases you. If you keep people at a distance, on the other side of the stage, then you keep looking perfect and they'll never see the messier parts of you. It helps to keep up the illusion.

[He sighs a little. He'd missed contact, both physical and emotional. He worries that he's sharing too much.

Perhaps he's not sharing enough.]

I can't say I have all the answers, as much as I wish I did. If I could tell anyone the solution to all of their problems, I'd make a killing off of fortune telling. All I know is that it feels so much better to be with people than without.

[It feels... good. To say that. To admit it. Out loud.]

-1 to ZEZPQB BT FRESMNF IZDVZ BEFVQN GC NBVBW

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this cr broke into my home and stole my dvds and left a mint on my pillow

This CR cut my hair while I was sleeping, dyed it and then fashioned it into a nice hairdo

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This CR put on my favorite album and made me dinner when I was too sick to move

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