fulllifeconsequences

[It feels like no time has passed at all. It feels like it's been hours and hours and they don't even know if it's day or night. They think if they went to a window to check, they might see Asriel outside. They might start thinking about how far above ground they are.

It feels like it's never going to end.

It takes them too long to bridge the gap between registering the sound of messages arriving and actually checking their inbox. Kind of wish they hadn't. Better to smash the thing now, sever the connection utterly. They don't feel human enough to muster up a good answer.

If they didn't care, they wouldn't have to answer. They wouldn't have to doubt. They could be immune to worry or guilt or whatever stupid fruitless thing holds them back and tangles them up and makes their overflowing inbox hard to read.]

Tell him I'm dead.

[It's a joke. It's not a joke. They don't know anymore.]

[The sheer overwhelming relief that they even responded is enough to take Frisk's breath away for a moment. Scrub away the tears that just keep coming, no matter how they fight to contain them.

It's not about Frisk. It's not. It has nothing to do with them. It has to do with Chara, and their complicated feelings towards Asriel.

So why does it hurt so much?]

Please don't say that.

[They know they're being horrible. They know.

But they know being horrible is a solution, too. They can frustrate the messages into stopping. They can make people give up. They can make it utterly and completely not worth it. They can just choose to not earn mercy or care or security, and revel in the freedom that choice leaves them.]

I'm super dead. I decided buttercups would take too long this time, so I remembered a few absolutely hilarious one-liners about going down the lane instead of across the street. But, nah, still too long, right? So I just took a big old knife (ha ha, I'm the knife kid) and carved myself up like a Christmas ham. Two to the gut, one to the chest, opened myself up like a present. I tried to rip my own heart out, but it turns out I don't have one anymore.

It felt exactly like it did when my parents, my neighbors, my teachers, everyone who ever pretended they cared all tore Asriel to pieces in my favorite flowerbed. It was super great. Why don't you ask him how it felt? He must miss that, too.

I know what you're trying to do.

[Trying to scare them off. Trying to be horrible. Intimidate them, pressure them, exasperate them. They feel so fragile and broken and empty and alone that maybe it should work. Maybe.

It all hurts. All over. Head, hands, thumbs, arms. Even their throat, from the shouting and crying and babyish whining they've been doing. Can't just grow up, can they. Have to attach themselves to things and let them be dragged along. Like a tumor.]

It won't work
How long can you possibly hide? You're just dragging things out for both of you

He's scared. And so are you. Or you wouldn't have run away.

Just come back
wWe can fix this to gether.

Didn't I tell you this isn't another of your puzzles to neatly solve? Leave me ALONE.

I don't want to talk about it. I can't cry and hug him and be the friend he always wished he had. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't even want to be alive. I'm going to keep being a stubborn little problem, Frisk! Whether you decide to solve it or not!

Are you going to invite him to stay with us again this time? I know you refuse to give up the bed on the right for him, so he can have mine. Maybe I just won't come back at all. Maybe I'll hide so well I just won't exist anymore!

This isn't funny. Stop acting like you know what's going to happen. You don't. None of us do.

I know you're scared I am too but this isn't helping anyone.

It's not going to be perfect. I know that. I'm not that naive. But you two were friends and everything he did he did for you. Why are you afraid

Is it because he said you weren't the greatest person

Because I'm not either.

Why do you think I'm like this

It'll be ok we can work this out but we can't if you don't come back because what you're doing is exactly what we both did. We ran away and tried to throw ourselves off a mountain and fixed other peoples problems to avoid our own but guess what. We can't do that anymore. Because all our problems are coming here and they're here to stay.

Sto p running.

You remember the worst timeline. He was terrified of me.

You remember the best timeline. He buried me, then begged me to stay out of the world.

You remember the first time he came here. I told him I had been there in every timeline. That I wasn't gone after all. That was the last time we even spoke. He ran away, and he ran away so well that I didn't even know Wonderland took him away.

He doesn't want me. No matter how different things are. It doesn't matter where. It doesn't matter when. He won't want me just because you decide he should.

But go on! Tell me more about throwing ourselves off mountains. Just running away, right? Cowardly, isn't it? A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Selfish, attention-seeking behaviour. Such a cruel thing to do to everyone else. You must be so annoyed right now.

That's not what I meant and you know it. I know you're scared because I'm scared too and so is he. He's not Flowey this time he's Asriel and he's here to stay. You can't ignore this.

He didn't even know you were there in any of the timelines. He didn't know he wsa talking about someone who was listening.

You think I don't want to run away too

I do

But I can't. Because Asriel's here and he's scared and he's not letting anyone come near him. He's going to find out and there's nothing either of us can do except hope that it'll be all right once he does

It's how he feels, Frisk. Whether he knew I heard or not doesn't change that. You don't get to assume that what he says doesn't count or isn't valid. That's awfully selfish of you, is it not?

Nor, for that matter, do you even have anything to be scared of! You can finally SAVE him in the way you wanted to, can't you? Take him by the hand and say something about the power of friendship and lead him to his perfectly happy ending. He'll do what you ask him to, if you bug him even half as much as you're bugging me. You can do no wrong in his eyes. He adores you! I don't understand why you're so unhappy!

Funny that you're saying that when you're assuming what he's thinking right now. Making choices for him. Without asking

[It's a joke. No one's laughing.

Maybe it's not funny at all.]

And what about you? Do you think no one cares about you? That no one will miss you? That if Asriel's here suddenly I can't be friends with both of you? That I can't have room in my heart for more than one best friend?

How many times do I have to say it before you;ll believe it I'lll miss you

Edited 2016-06-08 19:08 (UTC)

Here's a fun idea: if he wants to see me he can say so himself! Since, you know, apparently you can't handle keeping ONE SINGLE SECRET if it isn't all about you and your perfect narrative.

A narrative, I'll remind you, that you never planned me to be part of. Didn't want me here, remember? Didn't even think I could be. Didn't consider for a moment whether I could actually exist outside of that limited span where I was useful to you. You can survive just fine without an utter fluke. You're going to survive just fine without me when you go back to the surface.

I don't miss you. You're just being a bother. Go cling to someone who actually wants you.

Too bad he can't because you on't tell him you're here

I know you're saying these things to hurt me. Chase me off. I didn't know you at first but I'm glad I got to know you now. YOu're my friend and you've helped me and I want to help you too..

Funny how "protecting me" and "helping me" and all these things you keep claiming you want to do involve trying to make me do whatever you want me to do.

What exactly are you even expecting here? What are you hoping I'm going to be for you? Remind me exactly how dragging me out kicking and screaming is going to make Asriel feel not scared. It's just going to make him want to hide even more. This pathetic egg stunt is going to achieve nothing.

We both know how this story ends

No matter hwat happens we're going to end up back here. It'll hurt either way but if we just face it instead of running away maybe it'll hurt less

I can't do this again, Frisk.

I'm trying to do the right thing, for once. I'm trying to do what he told me to do. Why isn't that good enough?

I don't know what the right thing is anymore.

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

I don't want to do this either .

Please, Frisk. Give it time.

Let him lie low until he's ready to see people. Until he feels safe. Let me... let me put myself together.

I can't see him yet. I can't.

...alright.

I'm sorry. I just want to make sure you're alright and that you won't do something to yourself.

[Hah. Look who's talking. There's a fresh pair of scissors in their room.]

[If it weren't over text, they could just laugh and say nothing else. They sort of completely dropped the ball on pretending they weren't considering some... some pretty desperate things, but... Frisk had already guessed that much, anyway, considering the way they'd reacted the first time Asriel had left.

They've given up on trying. They don't think they can try, not in the way Frisk wants them to right now. But they can sort of... dodge left or right instead of going forwards, maybe. They don't want to be around anyone, they don't think they're capable of being forgiving or comforting or whatever it is they're supposed to be right now, but...

They're... friends, right?]

I won't see him. I can't. But... um, do you need to see me? I can still manage being a whisper in the back of your head, I think.

Ever?

I can go between you if you need me to but I can't do that forever.

I'm not asking you to play messenger. Forget the distant future. I was asking if you wanted to... I don't know. You sounded kind of lonely and desperate when you first sent me like 11 messages at once.

You know what? Forget it.

I am scared. And lonely. And I do n't want to feel this way but I don't know what else to do. I can't make you do anything and I shouldn't anyway.

But I don't know what else to do.

If you don't spring some kind of ill-thought-out ambush or something, and if you don't talk about it... I'll come see you, alright? You'll feel better. We'll both see we're okay, and it won't even feel like a big deal for you anymore. We can... sort it out a little better, I guess.

[It feels like a mistake. They don't want to do this. They want to stop being in control and functional and just crumble somewhere nobody's going to see it. They type it out and hit send anyway.]

[Honestly, it's a big step up from how things were before. They'll take it.]

Alright.

Thanks.

Take care of yourself.

* IC Inbox

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TIME FOR SUICIDE AND SELF-HARM CW JESUS CHRIST

i should've put that one sooner tbh wHOOPS

lbr there's pretty much a constant low-key suicide cw when chara talks 8')

this is true

FUN AND CUTE CHILDREN

someone help the kids 2k1x

SOMEONE HELP THE KIDS

cries

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cw self-harm

help!!!! these!!! kids!!!!!

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