fulllifeconsequences

That kind of humour doesn't suit you.

[This is no time to laugh. Laughing about it's creepy. It's for people who joke about a kid who slept in the soil. People who are giggling, even though it's not funny because Dad is really sick, Chara, you're going to make Mom even more mad if you're laughing about this, wh-why won't you stop laughing about this, Chara?]

Just because we talk about it doesn't make it okay. It's not supposed to be normal. I'm not supposed to be encouraging it.

[Not like it matters much, anyway. This ended with both of them being on their second death, ha ha.]

Suppose Sans and Alphys didn't know how to fix you. What then?

You know that you can't say every bad thing I've done is your fault. Right?

[Maybe it was easy to draw that line when they were so muddled up in each other - when they honestly couldn't tell one another apart, and when it all cracked and splintered and broke off in pieces, bleeding into each other. Who could play piano? Who tripped and fell, and who saw a mountain gaping open and just thought it was better to disappear?

Which of us liked the chocolate?]

Maybe how it happened last time. I had to find a way to SAVE myself but...

[Chara didn't want to hear it then, and they surely won't want to hear it now.]

I still can't do that without you, you know.

[Nailed it, pal. They super don't wanna hear this. Chara had literally taken Frisk over at the time, after all, and that sure didn't seem to help them SAVE themself, did it?]

Stop patronizing me. I wasn't the one who made any of this better.

[It was Frisk and their own power to SAVE themself, the first time. It was Sans and Alphys and the fact they're both so much smarter than some useless idiot child that saved them this time. Chara had only been a catalyst of disaster. The destructive influence. Can't see it any other way, no matter how they try.]

The fact you're always like this... it's the problem. This is the whole problem.

You can't break what's already broken, Chara.

[The words are heavy and absolute. You think they showed up on your doorstep whole and sound? You think they tripped and fell down the mountain, the one where children are rumored to disappear? You think they saw their life and decided that they'd just take a joyful hike up the grassy spread and be back in time for dinner?

Why do you think it was so, so easy for them to lose themself in another's mind? To let the edges bleed, to let everything they were get mixed up in someone else's SOUL, someone else's memories?

It only works that way when you're someone who can see nothing worth saving in themself.]

I told you. I only got the SAVE to work when I imagined SAVING you instead.

[They're the only one of the two of them, after all, who's worth SAVING.]

I'm telling you, that's the problem!

[They know the kinds of things that make a person climb a mountain like that. They know wearing long sleeves and having bandages and whispering reminders that you won't get hit as hard if you look cute. They remember sitting in a corner of Waterfall so out-of-the-way it almost felt like they weren't supposed to be there, sitting on a bench with a cold, stale quiche.

They know what the Underground taught, too. They know all of it. It's fine when you get hurt. You had it coming. Good kids don't fight back. Everyone you love will hit you, and you'll never know anything better than that. Chara, too, Chara's just - just driving that same painful lesson home, aren't they? Don't know how Frisk could ever be shocked when Chara announced they're just like their parents. They are. They're doing to some other kid what their parents did to them. Hurting and hurting, and making Frisk think that they have to comfort Chara, have to make amends for making Chara hurt them.]

You get hurt and don't even care. You're not the least bit mad or scared about what happened to you. You just... you just come crawling back, acting like I'm the greatest person in the world. Like you just can't wait to tell me how wonderful I am.

[Like they'll never doubt you, Chara!]

It doesn't matter what I'd do to you. You'd still limp back. You refuse do to anything to keep yourself safe.

[A slit of red staring flatly back at Chara. Not emptily, not even angrily, but - firmly.]

There's a difference.

[They're drawing that line right here and right now. They have people they forgive. They have people they will always forgive, no matter what. And they have people that they won't. And that still itches like something they need to cauterize, a scab they need to peel away. What about your parents, Frisk? What about the people that love you? The people that LOVE you so much you burned and bruised with the pain of it?]

There's a difference between feeling like you have to forgive someone and wanting to.

[Their volume inches up. Not by much, but by increments, hard and emphatic.]

We get the choice. We've always had the choice. Choose to FIGHT Asgore, or choose MERCY. FIGHT Flowey. Or choose MERCY.

Forgive him. Or do not.

[And they didn't always make that choice. But this time? This time they are.]

And I'm choosing to forgive you.

You're not making the right choice.

[Was it really a choice at all? FIGHT a boss, strike a single monster down, and you were not a good person anymore. Who gets to LV 2 on accident? The idea it might be self-defense or you might not have known better is a punchline.

What... what even happens if you don't forgive him? Chara doesn't know. Chara only saw that moment once - and... and so did Frisk, right? Partners, weren't they partners, they'd never lose their memory unless...

Not partners. Don't think about this anymore.

...Can't even imagine not forgiving him. Maybe it's a fake choice, like the "choice" to take Asgore's SOUL or the "choice" to accept Alphys' help or the "choice" to take the magical artifact. But thou must!]

You're just getting hurt to prove a stupid point. It's not worth it. It's - it's just masochism. Any time I've tried to convince myself I should care about someone, it kills them. Or does worse! So much worse that they wish it would kill them! I'm not letting you stick your hand in a wildfire over and over again just because you think the fire might enjoy being pet. I'm extinguishing it completely.

I'm choosing to have nothing to do with you. I'm choosing to reject your martyrish forgiveness utterly. Or does my choice matter less than yours?

How do you know what it is I want? You haven't even spoken to me in a month.

[For the first time, their brow curves down in something resembling a scowl.]

How am I supposed to believe this is anything besides masochism for you either?

[They don't get to pretend it isn't; not when Frisk knows, knows thanks to some real hands-on, immediate experience, that Chara will take every opportunity, every chance, to flagellate themself, to punish themself, to hurt themself over crimes they haven't even committed.]

And you think I'm the one playing the martyr here?

You're being patently transparent, as usual. It's not hard to tell what you want. You won't leave me alone until you get it.

[They're certainly not here for pleasant small talk or to ask to borrow a cup of sugar, ha ha. They keep insisting Chara can't possibly know what they want, but it's not like they're being secretive or subtle, are they?]

This wasn't just some stupid argument or a broken lamp or something, Frisk. My influence does far, far worse than that. Things of a magnitude so great that they leave an indelible stain. You were almost lost for good. The things that made you you were scribbled out.

[Those warm dark eyes are gone forever.]

Don't you think there might be things that are of a slightly greater importance than my ego?

[It'd be selfishness itself to put people at risk just for the sake of something as minor as company. They're fine alone.]

...No, of course you don't. It's your job to let yourself be ripped apart by people who love you. An utter lack of self-preservation is part of what makes you so good, right? Well, Frisk. My priorities, I suppose, differ from yours.

You're not listening to me.

[Now they do sound angry, earnestly so.]

You think you're to blame for every bad thing that happens. It's easier, right? Easier to blame yourself for it, because I guess you really did want an angel after all.

[Was that, all of it, nothing more than a lie? Those words about not needing to perfect, not needing to be okay all the time - what was that, then? Pretty words to assuage Frisk's guilt, as always? Insincere and devoid of actual meaning?]

But no. It had to be you that ruined me. Your influence. Not Wonderland. Not the extractor. It had to be you, because you're - you're obsessed with punishing yourself for everything.

Follow the leaves back to the stem, and follow that back to the root. Who left a green shirt for you to take? Who was there for Wonderland to summon within you? Who made it so you needed the Extractor?

You didn't become something dangerous because you were Frisk. You became LV 19 because you were Chara.

[Wouldn't have become a threat if they'd worn one of those big blue hoodies instead. Wouldn't have tried to fight Shepard, or... whoever else that Chara was there to prove Chara really doesn't care. Wouldn't have been marked for life by it.]

You can't say I never gave this a chance. You had almost a year's worth of a chance. But... the outcome is the same it's always been. This all just proved I'm still the threat. Why can't you accept that it's not worth perpetuating the cycle over and over? I don't want to keep doing this.

Who decided I was better off with LOVE? You weren't talking to me anymore. You know it wasn't you. Who gave you the Libra Orb in the first place? Who's the one that would've killed you if Sans hadn't showed up? Twice?

[Their hands have balled up into tiny fists. They were trying so, so hard to just - not lose their composure. To not let it slip away. But it's like an ache in their chest, and their bed is still there in Room 12, still empty, and the card still lying forlornly atop it, taped clumsily together, abandoned.]

When are you going to realize that it's when you leave that things get at their worst?

[Do they really need to yank up the sleeves of their shirt again and show them just how many pairs of scissors they've hidden away? Do they really need to tip over the wastebasket in their room and let the serrated edges of a soda can speak for themselves?]

Sans won't really talk to me anymore. Alphys hasn't talked to me in a month. And it's because they both decided the same thing you did.

They left me alone.

Everyone left me alone, Chara.

[What did they think would happen? That Frisk's many legions of friends would come to SAVE them? Mettaton wants nothing to do with them. The Pineses tried their best, but they had no idea where to start with a child that lacked determination but still had their memories intact.

But go ahead. Tell them they're safer and better off alone.

Tell them something they haven't already told themself a dozen times over.]

[They remember the last time Frisk died. Remember feeling like they had to try and be something they were never capable of being - because they could, they HAD to. Because nobody else would. But didn't they... didn't things get set up the way they were supposed to be? Alphys got to actually be the hero of the story, the person whose skills were the key to saving the day. They spoke to Mettaton, asked him to give Frisk a chance, to not shut them out utterly. They rode Sans' ass relentlessly about considering what makes a child climb a mountain like that, about him being someone who knows better than everyone what it's like for an adult to just leave you alone when something goes wrong.

Why wasn't it enough?

Monsters are supposed to be better than humans. Made out of love and compassion. And everyone loves Frisk, right? Frisk solved their problems, Frisk forgave them, so now they cared enough about Frisk for it to sway Asriel to break the barrier. Everyone loves Frisk now.

So why?

They swallow down the righteous anger, the welling sense of injustice. They're good at shutting out all emotion completely. They've held themself together just fine for a whole month. They've stayed functional. Frisk's not going to coax them out of that composed, palatable functionality. They shouldn't have to settle for Chara. Settling for Chara instead of the friend he really wanted was what ruined Asriel. It'll ruin Frisk too. If they think Chara is as good as they can hope for, then they'll never get the sort of friend they actually deserve.]

It can't be me, Frisk. Shepard. The various Pines. Souji.

[Humans. Ha ha.]

Asgore.

One of them can care about you. Can wean you away from this. But it can't be me.

That's the funny thing. Everyone seems to think that I'm better off without them.

[They smile, but it's mirthless, a pained twist of one side of their mouth.]

I'm going to be ruined either way, Chara. If you think this is any worse than what I've lived with before, then I guess all that talk about not needing someone perfect was just that.

Talk.

[Because the moment Frisk gets ruined, as it were, everyone leaves. The moment Frisk stops being something familiar and immediate, no one has any clue what to do with them. They're cast off. Left to the wayside. Abandoned.]

For the first time, I'm - I'm trying to do something about it instead of letting it all happen because it's what I -

[It's what we deserve.

We all get what we deserve in the end.]

[They hate this. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. There's no way to keep Frisk from being hurt. Only the choice of hurting them through action or inaction. No possible way to win the game. Once again, they're just going to make it worse no matter what they decide.

Story of their life, huh.]

Whatever excuses you make, I gave you a chance to tell me if you didn't like this plan. I did. I can't read your mind or, as you so helpfully point out, instinctively sense what you want. But you agreed. I refuse to be told that "yes means no" or "no means yes." I refuse to be told that everyone but me gets the right to pretend they aren't responsible for their decisions if they don't like the outcome.

[They don't stop being a person just because part is missing, do they? "You're still human," they insist, even though the whisper in their head was borrowing its soul, its determination, rather than supplying their own. Even though this independent shell houses nothing more than a few incomplete, trembling shards of what should have been a heart. You can still do the right thing, even if you're built a little differently than the people around you, can't you? Or is that all just hollow lip service? Empty platitudes meant to soothe a human surrounded by beings made of compassion, meant to placate a rusted little tenth of a SOUL surrounded by whole, complete people?]

I am holding you to your word at all times, not just when you're at your best. You do not get to tell me that I was not the only one at fault, then insist that I not think of that as really being you. You made your choice.

[Their hand tenses around the door. For just a moment, they're seized by the sudden thought of - of something wild and drastic, of just kicking Frisk out of the way and slamming it so hard it breaks. So hard it snaps in half cartoonishly, impossibly, as if they had that kind of ridiculous superhuman strength. Instead, with a slow, reluctant exhalation, they open just a little wider. Offer a single arm.

They hate hugs. But.]

One. You may have one, then no more. Then, you leave.

You think I'm happy with anything I did when I was like that? The way I acted - the way I almost killed you?

[Their tone gets shrill for an awful moment, climbing in pitch and volume, and they - they're being too loud. Too loud, and too terrible. Stop it, Frisk. Shut up, Frisk. Stop taking more than you can give. Stop taking at all. You don't deserve a single moment of anyone's time or patience or sympathy, clearly, because all you've ever done is take advantage of it.

This is what you were waiting for. For people to turn around and see you, and look at what you've done, and decide they're better off alone for it. You tried so hard to push everyone away and now look. You got exactly what you wanted!

So why aren't you happy?]

I hate this, Chara. I hate this. And I'm tired.

[Their voice cracks, unbearably, embarrassingly.]

Everyone. Everyone I love has started to leave, and they're all doing it for my own good and I don't know what to do. Mettaton hates me, and you hate me, and Leonard won't talk to me, and Papyrus is gone, and River's gone, and I guess this - this must be what I wanted all along!

[They're...they're laughing, aren't they? Ha ha, it's hilarious! Free hand tangling up in their hair, yanking at the hanks of it, as if that'll be enough to tear it up from the roots. Chara's offer may as well have been made to an empty, faceless specter.]

M-maybe if I was better, if I was - was less afraid, or less stupid, or if I didn't act the way I did, people wouldn't be leaving.

I didn't - I couldn't say no. I didn't...I was just trying to do what everyone asked. And that's not enough, and n-no one's happy anyway!

[Another ragged burst of laughter. Get it together, Frisk. Act more like Frisk, Frisk. You'll freak them out, scare them away. Well, good. Let them slam the door on your fingers! Let them break them all again! Can't go to Leonard this time, can you? Nope! You ruined that too!]

Ha! Ha ha!

[More excuses. More I don't like this plan anymore when they've already put the plan into action. More don't think of that as really me, more when I say yes I mean no, more you should have been able to tell what I meant, not what I said. Nobody ever means what they say.

Oh, but now is different, this time they mean it, Chara, honest! Just like when your dear, beloved parents would come to you with dewy eyes, tell you they were miserable, tell you they're so stupid, so weak, tell you that you don't love them. Apologize with all their heart and soul, swear it'll never happen again, swear this time they love you for real. They didn't really mean it back then. They're so sorry, but it wasn't them, of course, but they're sorry you felt it was. So sorry. They were just trying to raise you right. They just had to because you drove them to it.

They know how those sincere pleas for a second, third, fourth, fifth chance end.]

You cannot Reset me, Frisk. You cannot force things to immediately be how they were before. I'm - maybe I was hurt too! Did you consider that? Maybe I can't just neatly stitch it up and have it vanish because you're ready for it to be out of the way.

[They lower their outstretched arm. If they don't want to take the offer, that's fine too.]

Remove your hand. I'm closing the door. If you don't, I will be forced to start screaming. I have a right to be safe in the privacy of my room, I would like to hope.

I don't want to RESET you! But I'm starting to think you want to RESET me.

[Wouldn't it be better, Chara, if you could get rid of all the unpleasant parts of Frisk that yelled at you, that made you feel upset and uncomfortable, that reminded you of yourself? Wouldn't it be easier to love them if you could make them legitimately lovable?

A breath, high and tight, and they shake their head. Slam the door on them, Chara. Just go ahead and do it.]

Maybe you just hate me because I'm too much like you now.

Or maybe you finally figured out that I was always more like you than you thought I was.

[No, they don't want to Reset, they just want Chara to go back to how they were before this made them scared, made them hurt, made them angry, made them unpalatable.

Well. Whatever. Frisk can think whatever they please. It's easier if they're blaming this on Chara. Easier to assume Chara hates them, because hate's all that's ever motivated Chara.]

I'm serious, Frisk. I know what it means to be faced with a person who thinks you do not deserve boundaries. A person who does not think you are allowed to tell them "no." I am willing to do what I must to be sure that I am permitted the safety of my room.

Do you understand me?

You have made yourself perfectly clear.

[Frisk stares at them, flattens their features out into the empty expression Chara must be expecting. The one they must really be looking for. Always knew they had it in them, didn't they?]

I guess I really am no better than the people who hurt you.

I, you humble servant, will follow you to the utmost.

[Aren't we cute. Playing our games with the parts of the script that exist outside the script. Well then, Chara answers with a smile.]

"Following me" is exactly the opposite of what I'm asking you to do, silly goose. Now kindly release the door, and unfollow me right down that hallway.

Guess I'm not used to not having a partner. Stupid of me.

[They open their fingers and release their grip on the door. But as long as we're quoting you here, Chara, they're not quite done.]

Another one of your kindnesses, then.

But try as you might, you won't tell me what I can or cannot do forever.

This is a round of Determination vs. Determination that I am not going to lose.

[The only response they dignify that with is a big, bright, sunny grin.

That, and the door slamming in Frisk's face.]

* IC Inbox

Business As Usual am I right ha ha ha (distant sobbing)

whoops lmao

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cw lil self-harm ref

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