fulllifeconsequences

[That's it. They're dead. RIP in pizza, Chara Dreemurr. They slide the rest of the way down the wall, end up an utterly ungraceful lump on the floor, shrieking with childish, giddy laughter. God, the trouble they'd be in if someone saw! The hallway's a mess, from top to bottom. How in the world would you even go about cleaning a ceiling cupcake? They know the mansion will probably undo it, but all the same, the idea of a cupcake just being stuck up there for so long it becomes like a part of the interior decorating just - god, it's too much.

They sit up, gasping for breath and wiping their eyes. Still up there. Still no signs of coming unstuck. It's like performance art, honestly.]

Maybe you'd better come inside, before somebody shows up. If anyone asks, we were the victims of a drive-by.

[She's grinning, really grinning, having to lean against the wall to contain herself. They're laughing too. Sure, the cupcakes didn't get eaten, but she considers this a mission success.]

If you insist. Hopefully that thing doesn't drop when someone's walking under it. Then they'll be the next victim of the Cupcakening.

[Maybe this is why Toriel thought Shepard might be a bad influence on Chara. But hey. Just cupcakes. Ridiculous fun that's not going to permanently harm anyone. You get your kicks where you can. But she does follow Chara inside, careful not to get too close in their space while passing the doorframe.]

If it does, then it's not our problem. No witnesses, right?

[There's the irrepressible goosebumps, the pinpricking terror of knowing they've let an adult into their room. They're shutting the door, they're alone, this is the place where things that happen behind closed doors happen, and nobody will see and nobody will hear and nobody will come to help you and...

They try to stomp the thought down. It's just Shepard, right? Just Shepard. She's carried them before, like a big stupid baby. They're getting worked up for no reason. Even they don't like that they're like this.]

...I know you didn't just come here to throw desserts, but I hope you didn't come here to talk about our feelings. I'm not the biggest fan of talking about my feelings.

[She definitely came here to talk about feelings. Hey, things are pretty abysmal lately, right? Goes without saying this isn't just about stopping by to goof around with fish and butts hats. So may as well just... get to the point, huh.]

[She casts a glance around the room, trying to find someplace where she won't be obtrusive. Doesn't want to keep standing, it makes her look too big. Can't sit on the floor because she could seem like she's blocking the door. Chara's bed is theirs, and...

She finally makes her way to sit on the edge of Toriel's bed. Maybe it was a bad call, considering the symbolism she's stepping into there, but it'll do for now. Hopefully it doesn't bother them so much.]

I wanted to see how you were doing. Physically, at first, since I did kind of shove my hand in your stomach for a bit there, but, ah.

[Man, how is she gonna say this.]

I wanted to apologize, too. For not saving you like I promised. Not keeping you safe.

[They sit on their own bed. Sort of wonder if Toriel will take offense to her bed being used, but don't especially question a grown-up sitting on the grown-up sized bed. Better than taking Chara's. Better than sitting too close.

It's what she says, more than anything, that takes up Chara's attention. They... they hadn't really considered... hadn't factored it in at all. Hadn't been thinking about anything other than Frisk's small, limp corpse and the fact "I hate you" was the last thing Frisk said to them before they died. Had never really considered the idea of anyone really wanting to watch over them. It's a nice bit of lip service, a lovely hypothetical idea, but in practice, they... they're the one who watches over people, not the other way around, right? Don't worry, Asriel, I'll do the hard part, you just have to get the flowers. Don't worry, Frisk, I'll do the hard part, your humble servant will follow you to the utmost. They already don't have a future, they're already dead, they're already gone. What's anyone got to lose if they're not saved?

It - ha ha, it hadn't occurred to them in the least that the two days they were gone would even be... that anyone would notice? That anyone would be upset at all?

That's... kind of selfish, isn't it? Not really thinking at all. They stare at Shepard, trying to figure out which appropriately apologetic expression a good kid would wear in a situation like this and instead only looking sort of - sort of bewildered.

They open their mouth, almost speak, almost shrug it off with an easy joke. Ha ha, it's cool, you're not the first grown-up to stick their fingers in me? No. God no, no, do not speak, absolutely do not say that, no! That's inappropriate, Chara. That's creepy. Nobody will laugh at that. That's gonna get your mouth washed out with soap, Chara! They blanch, feel absolutely disgusting, start to giggle and look away. Better joke, find a better joke.]

I was sort of out of it at the time, you know. It doesn't have to count as a promise if I was too loopy to really register it. If I can't remember, then you didn't break a promise at all!

[See? Nothing to feel bad about. She didn't do anything wrong, anyway, so...]

Even if I... you couldn't have - nobody could have stopped that from happening.

[Because it wasn't an accident. Wasn't a surprise attack. See, there's another joke lurking here - ha ha, yeah, the suicide attempt before that one involved Frisk sticking their fingers down my throat, so it's actually just being thematically appropriate that this suicide also had gross unwelcome hand-shoving!

That's not very funny, either.]

I'm kind of just... unsave-able? It's one of my fun little quirks back home. Where - you know I'm already dead back home, right? So it's not like dying here's even a big deal! You did your best, and that is what counts, but this was... it was already sort of a lost cause to begin with, that's all.

You're not a lost cause. You never were.

[Because they're not. Maybe it's foolish to imagine she can save everyone, when she knows full well that she can't, that she hasn't. But it matters to the ones she does. The people who send her emails thanking her for just taking one minute of her time to say something to the right person so their ship could get clearance as a refugee, the communications tower officer that relayed her positions of the enemy and caused a distraction as she fought her way there to get them out, a little girl waiting at the Citadel for her parents that will never arrive that she could push towards an officer. Bit by bit, person by person, the universe is saved. People are always quick to give that title to her, that mantra, but a lot of what she does could be done by anyone with a willingness to choose kindness, just that once.

If she can impart that, that's all she needs to do.]

When I was 18, I joined the military because I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. I was a real upstart. Causing trouble for the sake of doing it, because then maybe something would change.

And... one of the COs came along. Took an interest in me. I think I punched him in the face. It's kind of a blur. They wanted to discharge me, put me back at nothing, and he vouched for me. Told them to give me one more chance. He pulled me aside once they left, and asked me if I wanted to stay. And when I said I did, he told me that he was gonna help. That there was gonna be somebody looking out for me.

So... maybe I feel like I owe it to the people who came before me to try. Maybe I just damn like you, kid. I like you a lot. And small issues, unsolved pains and hurt can build up to a lot.

[She takes a breath, lets the words sit in the air a moment.]

So I'm gonna look out for you. It doesn't have to be a promise to you. It's a promise to myself.

[*Stay determined.]

Edited (THERE'S A FUCKING TYPO FUCK ME) 2017-01-20 21:24 (UTC)

[She's... too sharp, too used to... to a certain kind of thinking. Understands "it was a lost cause" is "I am a lost cause," even if they took care to use the more palatable wording. The kind that gives people permission to not think about it too much.

And she just keeps... going. She always keeps going. Says things like that she likes them, that little things can build up, that she knows what it is to lash out at people, to play "anywhere but here," to be a no-future problem child, to be dead and buried and yanked out of your sleep. Things that they - they don't even know how they feel, and that's just disquieting, isn't it?

They... they think they hate it, on some level. Immediately shy away from anyone who says "I get it," because how can anyone understand an incomprehensible inhuman blight like you? The surface had been right every time their parents grabbed and pulled and touched and whispered that nobody would understand this, nobody would understand you, nobody but them. Some other part of them feels - feels some way that they don't know how to define, how to put into words, how to comprehend at all. It's something to do with that vague, formless idea that someone can experience that and still... survive. Grow up. Be something.

A quieter but firmer part of them recognizes something, at least. The lion-hearted protectiveness that is born of having suffered. The will to ensure no other child goes through what you did. The conviction, the vicious heartful prayer that you will be the last one.]

I suppose it's no good to remind you that I will not be a very satisfying or rewarding cause to invest in. You're too determined for that, aren't you?

[She might not understand the finer points of that inner redness, but it's easy for Chara to recognize within her all the same. Souls who don't know when to quit. Souls that overflow with the resolve to change fate.]

...Commander... I made a promise too. Please - don't... don't spread it to anyone. Don't take it the wrong way. Just... understand why it is not your fault I did not make it out in one piece.

[They start to talk without thinking, immediately regret it, can't find a way to claw it back. Hadn't laid down a SAVE. You can't just - tell people these things, Chara. You can't bare that kind of ugliness. That's not normal. That's not cute or pleasing to look at. You just climb a mountain that people simply happen to vanish on. You just happen to get ill out of nowhere. You just happen to be picking flowers by a pond, telling harmless stories about Narcissus.]

[Too determined. She's heard Frisk and Chara throw that word around. She'll have to ask exactly what it's for one day, because she bets there's something poignant behind it's meaning. In the interim, she listens, tries a reassuring smile.]

I'm not good at quitting. But I think you already know that.

[It's something they share. And it hurts her to hear this, but Chara is being truthful with her. More than that, they're baring their honesty in a way she doesn't see them do almost ever. It's something she has to respect.]

... I understand. I just didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you. Like I trashed you for something better. But... not everything works out, all the time. Not everything can.

[Because she thinks she knows what promise they may have made, if they disappeared just after Frisk.]

I don't want you to be forced into anything. And especially not into thinking you aren't-- well. Loved.

[She has her own issues with saying the l word out loud, but she can push it aside for Chara. It's used in another tense, see? Totally fair.]

[It's - okay, that's - that's too much. Loved, says the hardened space marine. Doesn't want them to think they'd been trashed for something better, like she knows how many times they watched their family trash them for something better. They open up a little, and she strikes directly at their weak points. They flinch away, recoil. Even if it's not the right answer, they just start to laugh.]

Pfft - how did we go from vandalism to a Hallmark card? I never took you for the sappy type at all!

[It's too much, too fast. Very much Frisk's style, but not Chara's. So of course they shrug it off. Don't take it too seriously. Don't let the mood get too real.]

Are you trying to make up for the sugar intake I missed out on by tossing the cupcakes instead of eating them?

[Thaaat's Shepard! She's an emotional wreck, but if she gives them advice no one will recognize how much of an emotional wreck she is at any given moment. Flawless.

But she snickers when they do, even if it's out of reflex.]

Eeh, wouldn't be the first time I got all sappy on you when you were just trying to do something dumb. I seem to recall getting into a pretty serious conversation while lying in a flowerbed about six months ago.

[Also, lord, was it 6 months? Shit. How long as she been this attached to this kid. So she shrugs, tries to keep it casual with her own nervous tics.]

I worry about you. So sue me that I have to show up and be super sappy every once in a while.

[...Six months? That - that can't be right, can it? How did so much time elapse without them being conscious of it? That can't possibly be real. Time stopped for them long ago. It can't be passing that quickly.

Moreover... how has she been around them for six whole months without getting sick of them yet? That's half of a year. That's, like, a twentieth of their entire lifespan. Again and again, they ask why she's still trying. Still wasting her time on a lost cause, on something that was doomed from the start.]

Pfft. No wonder Frisk likes you. Sap attracts sap, I guess.

[But not Chara, you know. Chara is completely sap-proof.]

They probably worry about me, too. Or worry about what kind of havoc I'll wreak unto others, I guess, if we're going to be more accurate.

[She crosses her arms, chuckling a bit under her breath.]

Or worry about what kind of havoc you'll wreak onto yourself.

[Okay, maybe that was a little too close. But she's not gonna let them totally derail.]

I know it's hard for you to trust me. To trust anyone. But I'm gonna be here for you when you're cool with it. Or even when you just need some help. Alright?

[Sap-proof, indeed.]

* IC Inbox

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cw suicide mention, csa allusion

i ruined my own life w this tag

YOU RUINED MY LIFE TOO

GOOD, WE'RE BOTH DEAD just what shep and chara have always wanted haha

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