fulllifeconsequences

[They're doing everything they can to drive them away. It's good to know that all those parts of them still work, at least. Pain, frustration, hurt, betrayal - they've been cycling through all of them very briefly. Nice to know that those faculties are still in place.

Still, they keep their expression locked.]

And I'm supposed to believe you don't care?

I don't. I just adhere to the rules I've set.

[Two very different things. Yellowness is not greenness, right? They didn't need a SOUL of their own to still know they had to obey the rules of the Underground. Your turn, my turn. Don't attack shopkeepers. Homes and settlements like Snowdin are safe places. Can't attack the people there. Have to yield your stats when someone tries to * Check, unless you're the kind of self-centered prick who only says their DF is "HIGH."]

I don't care about you, but I care about doing what I say I'll do.

[A pause as they digest the words quietly. Then they shake their head.]

No.

[Said lightly, flatly, as easily as if they were refuting a claim about the color of the sky or the nature of a rainbow, with the lift of pitch that implies they're about to correct a particularly glaring error.]

I don't believe you.

You're doing exactly what you always do. It won't work this time.

Actually, I'm quite confident that it will. We spent a month without so much as glancing at each other, and I certainly wasn't drained of anything in particular. Made no particular difference to me, did it?

No. I do not need you, Frisk.

[They can parrot back Frisk's matter-of-fact tone just fine. Same air of pointing out some patently obvious fact, because it is a fact, isn't it? They didn't lose anything of worth from all of this, and yet they carried on. Proves they're fine. Doesn't it? Proves they don't need anyone.]

Yeah. You're doing so great for yourself.

[The difference between matter-of-fact and sarcastic observation is just a slight tonal twist.]

It didn't work with Asriel. It won't work with me.

Sarcasm isn't funny.

Nor is your insistence on using Asriel against me, for that matter. Remind me how constantly bringing up my miserably-failed attempts at forming relationships with others is supposed to make me want to rekindle one with you?

That's not what I meant.

[And you know it, Chara.]

You told everyone he didn't want to see you. He didn't care, right? But we both know that was wrong. You left and refused to talk to him, and it just hurt him and everyone else.

[A lift of their eyebrow, vaguely hinting at their exasperation.]

Chara, I love you, but you can be such a butt sometimes. You can keep pretending there's no way people can love you, but it's not true.

[This is stupid. Only reason Asriel was hurt was because someone immediately decided not to keep their promise. Refused to let them actually be gone. Arguing, too, feels pointless. Been over that too many times.]

Maybe you would do well to take the hint, then. I am not saying that you don't love me. I'm saying that I do not love you, whatever you may insist. You cannot dictate what I feel or what I want, no matter how insistent you seem to be that you know it better than I do.

[And still, they do not close the door. They must know how easily that would - hurt their fingers, give rise to so many memories that will boil beneath their skin. That's something. It's not very much at all, but it is something. They hold fast to it.

They always hold fast to it.]

But you seem to think that you know what I want more than I do. Seeing as my "real" partner must be...some other Chara, I guess.

Because you decided it must be.

You can't have it both ways, Frisk. The LOVE-hungry threat that was so eager to tear down anyone it saw... was that me, or was it not? Exactly who were you trying to become when you stole one of my shirts?

[Can't keep trying to bend reality to fit what they want it to be. Can't act like none of what happened matters, can't just - can't undo this. They're not going to just brush it off. Not when the consequences were this heavy. Can't keep things poised in this in-between state, with the door neither open nor shut.

And that's all it is, after all. Chara's the one at fault, so they have no right to make it about themself, about their selfish, thin-skinned little problems. Boo hoo, the demon that comes doesn't know what it is anymore. Poor baby gets all uncomfortable when their precious safe space recreates them down to the letter, cries a big stupid river about not knowing they're real. Like that's even a problem at all when they nearly tore Frisk apart at the seams, nearly made them compromise on the moral principle they hold dearest: don't kill.]

[They need someone to blame, of course. And Chara has to have it be themself. Of course. All the time. It's far, far easier to punish themself than to punish anyone else. It's far easier to hate themself.

Frisk knows that as well as anyone.]

It was something that could have been. Would have been. But wasn't.

Am I to blame for the things my Mirror does?

[Chara made it clear that they weren't, a long time ago. Maybe it wasn't so long ago, but it - hah, it certainly feels it, doesn' it?]

You know how Wonderland works. It reflects things, but it distorts them too. It's a funhouse mirror.

[And here's the punchline:

In this case, it worked.]

[Funhouse mirror. Yeah, everyone here's having fun, aren't they?

It really is just that easy for Frisk. For Sans. For everyone. Isn't that big of a struggle to realize there are Other Frisks or Other Charas and sort out whether that even means they're a Chara at all. Don't have to question whether they're the figment of Wonderland and the one who can still exist inside of Frisk's SOUL is the real thing. Their grip on who Chara was... it was thin even before circumstances blew it all to pieces.

They really are the only one who's struggling to grasp it. The only one who can't just be confident they're real at all.

Always were a messed-up one, weren't they?

Always were.]

...It wasn't a funhouse mirror that cracked you into fragments. You can't deny who's to blame for that.

Who gave you the Orb in the first place?

[They remember it, still. They remember feeling like that, feeling - invincible, almost, like nothing could touch them. Safe and content in LV 19, feeling nothing, nothing, nothing at all. There was the swish and the arc of a blade and the cut, the reddish crescent carved into the air.

They'd gone after Chara cruelly, savagely. They'd been fighting to kill.]

I don't blame you, Chara. How am I supposed to blame you for how you feel about yourself? I was trying to kill you. I was...

[Distorted. So, so distorted. To the point that not even their Mirror would act as such.]

I know you wouldn't have if you knew.

[How are they supposed to blame Chara for how they feel about themself? Ha. Ask Sans, he found a way. There's an important life lesson in here, right? About how selfish it is to hate yourself. About how maybe... it's smarter to not love anyone at all if you'll never manage loving yourself, because all you'll do is drag them down.]

I ought to have known. I'd turned into my costume once already. I should have understood right away.

[They're the smart one. The clear-thinking one. The one who's so clever for their age, and age is just a number anyway, Chara, isn't it? The one smart enough to cleverly deceive an entire race into moving its capital. The one who was supposed to have been intelligent enough to know that buttercups might be named after food, but aren't actually safe to eat.

But they were so eager to hurt themself, they acted childishly. Not like a rational, reasonable adult. Like an animal, not a human being.]

You got hurt regardless. Could have done literally anything but fight, right? But instead, I destroyed you.

You wanted to die, Frisk. You hurt so bad you would have rather been dead.

I watched you turn into your costume. I should have considered it could happen.

[But they took that risk. And they took that risk well knowing that Chara has never reacted well to seeing themself, not any version of themself, and yet - they went ahead with it anyway. Foolishly. Selfishly.

They say it like it's news. It hurt so badly they'd rather be dead. They remember that. And then - they smile, very slightly, a small and wry upward quirk of the lips.]

And how is that different from how we are normally?

[A little joke. Ha ha. We both hate ourselves and secretly crave the embrace of death, only death is just too good for them. Too good, and too brief. And not enough.

Never enough.]

That kind of humour doesn't suit you.

[This is no time to laugh. Laughing about it's creepy. It's for people who joke about a kid who slept in the soil. People who are giggling, even though it's not funny because Dad is really sick, Chara, you're going to make Mom even more mad if you're laughing about this, wh-why won't you stop laughing about this, Chara?]

Just because we talk about it doesn't make it okay. It's not supposed to be normal. I'm not supposed to be encouraging it.

[Not like it matters much, anyway. This ended with both of them being on their second death, ha ha.]

Suppose Sans and Alphys didn't know how to fix you. What then?

You know that you can't say every bad thing I've done is your fault. Right?

[Maybe it was easy to draw that line when they were so muddled up in each other - when they honestly couldn't tell one another apart, and when it all cracked and splintered and broke off in pieces, bleeding into each other. Who could play piano? Who tripped and fell, and who saw a mountain gaping open and just thought it was better to disappear?

Which of us liked the chocolate?]

Maybe how it happened last time. I had to find a way to SAVE myself but...

[Chara didn't want to hear it then, and they surely won't want to hear it now.]

I still can't do that without you, you know.

[Nailed it, pal. They super don't wanna hear this. Chara had literally taken Frisk over at the time, after all, and that sure didn't seem to help them SAVE themself, did it?]

Stop patronizing me. I wasn't the one who made any of this better.

[It was Frisk and their own power to SAVE themself, the first time. It was Sans and Alphys and the fact they're both so much smarter than some useless idiot child that saved them this time. Chara had only been a catalyst of disaster. The destructive influence. Can't see it any other way, no matter how they try.]

The fact you're always like this... it's the problem. This is the whole problem.

You can't break what's already broken, Chara.

[The words are heavy and absolute. You think they showed up on your doorstep whole and sound? You think they tripped and fell down the mountain, the one where children are rumored to disappear? You think they saw their life and decided that they'd just take a joyful hike up the grassy spread and be back in time for dinner?

Why do you think it was so, so easy for them to lose themself in another's mind? To let the edges bleed, to let everything they were get mixed up in someone else's SOUL, someone else's memories?

It only works that way when you're someone who can see nothing worth saving in themself.]

I told you. I only got the SAVE to work when I imagined SAVING you instead.

[They're the only one of the two of them, after all, who's worth SAVING.]

I'm telling you, that's the problem!

[They know the kinds of things that make a person climb a mountain like that. They know wearing long sleeves and having bandages and whispering reminders that you won't get hit as hard if you look cute. They remember sitting in a corner of Waterfall so out-of-the-way it almost felt like they weren't supposed to be there, sitting on a bench with a cold, stale quiche.

They know what the Underground taught, too. They know all of it. It's fine when you get hurt. You had it coming. Good kids don't fight back. Everyone you love will hit you, and you'll never know anything better than that. Chara, too, Chara's just - just driving that same painful lesson home, aren't they? Don't know how Frisk could ever be shocked when Chara announced they're just like their parents. They are. They're doing to some other kid what their parents did to them. Hurting and hurting, and making Frisk think that they have to comfort Chara, have to make amends for making Chara hurt them.]

You get hurt and don't even care. You're not the least bit mad or scared about what happened to you. You just... you just come crawling back, acting like I'm the greatest person in the world. Like you just can't wait to tell me how wonderful I am.

[Like they'll never doubt you, Chara!]

It doesn't matter what I'd do to you. You'd still limp back. You refuse do to anything to keep yourself safe.

[A slit of red staring flatly back at Chara. Not emptily, not even angrily, but - firmly.]

There's a difference.

[They're drawing that line right here and right now. They have people they forgive. They have people they will always forgive, no matter what. And they have people that they won't. And that still itches like something they need to cauterize, a scab they need to peel away. What about your parents, Frisk? What about the people that love you? The people that LOVE you so much you burned and bruised with the pain of it?]

There's a difference between feeling like you have to forgive someone and wanting to.

[Their volume inches up. Not by much, but by increments, hard and emphatic.]

We get the choice. We've always had the choice. Choose to FIGHT Asgore, or choose MERCY. FIGHT Flowey. Or choose MERCY.

Forgive him. Or do not.

[And they didn't always make that choice. But this time? This time they are.]

And I'm choosing to forgive you.

You're not making the right choice.

[Was it really a choice at all? FIGHT a boss, strike a single monster down, and you were not a good person anymore. Who gets to LV 2 on accident? The idea it might be self-defense or you might not have known better is a punchline.

What... what even happens if you don't forgive him? Chara doesn't know. Chara only saw that moment once - and... and so did Frisk, right? Partners, weren't they partners, they'd never lose their memory unless...

Not partners. Don't think about this anymore.

...Can't even imagine not forgiving him. Maybe it's a fake choice, like the "choice" to take Asgore's SOUL or the "choice" to accept Alphys' help or the "choice" to take the magical artifact. But thou must!]

You're just getting hurt to prove a stupid point. It's not worth it. It's - it's just masochism. Any time I've tried to convince myself I should care about someone, it kills them. Or does worse! So much worse that they wish it would kill them! I'm not letting you stick your hand in a wildfire over and over again just because you think the fire might enjoy being pet. I'm extinguishing it completely.

I'm choosing to have nothing to do with you. I'm choosing to reject your martyrish forgiveness utterly. Or does my choice matter less than yours?

How do you know what it is I want? You haven't even spoken to me in a month.

[For the first time, their brow curves down in something resembling a scowl.]

How am I supposed to believe this is anything besides masochism for you either?

[They don't get to pretend it isn't; not when Frisk knows, knows thanks to some real hands-on, immediate experience, that Chara will take every opportunity, every chance, to flagellate themself, to punish themself, to hurt themself over crimes they haven't even committed.]

And you think I'm the one playing the martyr here?

You're being patently transparent, as usual. It's not hard to tell what you want. You won't leave me alone until you get it.

[They're certainly not here for pleasant small talk or to ask to borrow a cup of sugar, ha ha. They keep insisting Chara can't possibly know what they want, but it's not like they're being secretive or subtle, are they?]

This wasn't just some stupid argument or a broken lamp or something, Frisk. My influence does far, far worse than that. Things of a magnitude so great that they leave an indelible stain. You were almost lost for good. The things that made you you were scribbled out.

[Those warm dark eyes are gone forever.]

Don't you think there might be things that are of a slightly greater importance than my ego?

[It'd be selfishness itself to put people at risk just for the sake of something as minor as company. They're fine alone.]

...No, of course you don't. It's your job to let yourself be ripped apart by people who love you. An utter lack of self-preservation is part of what makes you so good, right? Well, Frisk. My priorities, I suppose, differ from yours.

You're not listening to me.

[Now they do sound angry, earnestly so.]

You think you're to blame for every bad thing that happens. It's easier, right? Easier to blame yourself for it, because I guess you really did want an angel after all.

[Was that, all of it, nothing more than a lie? Those words about not needing to perfect, not needing to be okay all the time - what was that, then? Pretty words to assuage Frisk's guilt, as always? Insincere and devoid of actual meaning?]

But no. It had to be you that ruined me. Your influence. Not Wonderland. Not the extractor. It had to be you, because you're - you're obsessed with punishing yourself for everything.

* IC Inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw hella suicide ideation

Business As Usual am I right ha ha ha (distant sobbing)

whoops lmao

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

cw lil self-harm ref

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)